Today is my “Before”…

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.  – Anais Nin

This morning I woke up with the thought, “Today is my Before…”

I was thinking of those makeover shows where they always show a before & after set of pictures of the person or room being transformed, and how it’s always a dramatic juxtaposition.   There are a lot of things about my life that I feel are on the verge of that kind of transformation.  One of those things is my physical body.

I reached my highest weight (ever!) this weekend.  This is after months of losing ten pounds, then gaining it back, then losing it again.  The cycle is maddening.  Some time ago I heard that extra weight is a form of self-protection.   It is a way for us to hide from ourselves and also prevent taking risks.  That thought really resonates with me right now.  I’ve been hiding from myself in a way for the last few years.  In some ways I have grown more aware and more in tune with my intuition, and in other ways I’ve been content to remain stagnant.

When I was in my early 20s  I received a lot of attention from men, much of it unwanted.  I was also doing theater and just starting to play shows and thus was entering into an industry where appearance is often key in judging a person’s “marketability”, even before talent.  I think maybe my rejection of those standards and judgments made me try to “protect” myself by not putting any real thought into my appearance.  While others had personal trainers, nutritionists, dermatologists on call… I just stuck my hair up in a ponytail and threw on jogging pants.  I was comfortable.  I was safe.

Comfort only serves us to a certain point.  It feels good, it is effortless, it sometimes includes drinks with little umbrellas in them.  In our culture, we sometimes need some extra comfort and rest to do our souls good. After a point, though, we just become like the Lotus Eaters, wasting our lives away and hiding from our real purpose.   I’d become apathetic, lounging in comfort and hoping my purpose would forget I was there so I could continue living without awareness.

Strength, by Stephanie Pui-Mun Law

Some of the practices I’ve taken up in the last year have brought me back to awareness.  Now that I see more clearly, it has become impossible for me to unsee myself.  I know now that I am living in a body that is not my own, that I have prevented some of my own self-expression because of fear and wanting to remain unseen.   I am not the same girl I was back then, I know myself better and have enough confidence to stand by my beliefs and desires and not be influenced by outside forces.  I want to be like the Strength card in the Tarot.   I love this example from the Shadowscapes Tarot deck, because it is clear that the real strength is in the young woman, not in the lion.  See how she gently holds his mouth and stands confidently?   She carries all of this power with grace.   I’m keeping this image close at hand as I start on a new chapter of my well-being.

Today, I’m beginning a new fitness program.   I’ll be starting a two week boot-camp to see if I like the program, and then hopefully continuing indefinitely.   I know that I’ve been building inner strength these past few months, so it’s time to work on the outer strength now.   At this point, it is more painful to remain comfortable than it is to succeed.

Thoughts on Claiming Power: Take A Compliment

“Wow, that was really great!”

A blush. A stammer.  “Oh, thanks but… it wasn’t really… I’m not… “
Does this reaction sound familiar to you? It does to me. I used to be unable to receive a compliment graciously.

When I started performing in front of other people, the reaction was immediately positive.  I got encouragement and support all over the place.  The problem was, I had no way to receive it.  I was blocking the support people were trying to provide.

Luckily, I had a great director, Sherri D. Sutton, who always held me to higher standards than I held myself.  Sherri did not take my self-defeating crap.   The very first time she saw me shuffle my feet and stare at the floor when someone was trying to compliment me, she pulled me aside.

“When you deny someone’s compliment, you are insulting them and doing yourself a disservice. Just smile and thank them. Let them have that.”

That blew my mind. I had never thought of it that way at all, but Sherri was right.  When someone enjoys something you have created, who are you to tell them they shouldn’t have enjoyed it?  Why would you deny them the pleasure of thanking you?

Some of us were raised to be humble.   Humility is fine in small amounts (folks who come across as arrogant tend to be ultimately insecure) but shrinking is completely different and robs us of our power.

When someone compliments your work, they are trying to give you back a little bit of what they feel you have given them.  A performance, piece of writing, office presentation, or any other type of project is an exchange of energy.   By putting it out into the world, you will get some sort of reaction back.   Why is it so easy for us to take criticism and so difficult to accept praise? Try not to block the positive energy someone is sending back to you.  Rather, allow the exchange to be complete and enjoy the affect your creativity has had on another person.  It’s better for both of you.

These days, when I perform, there are times that I feel a little shaky, or didn’t think I did my best on stage.  Still, if someone approaches me to pay me a compliment, I still that impulse to tell them that I could have done better — instead, I smile broadly, shake their hand, and say “Thank you so much.”

(please check out Sherri’s website while you’re at it.  She’s a hilarious and talented woman!)

Thoughts on Claiming Power: Playing Small

The last week has been interesting.  I am rediscovering books, snippets, and practices that all point to the same thing – exploration of personal power.  It’s one of those situations where, once you’ve seen something, you come across it everywhere.  I’ve decided to explore how this stuff is affecting me in a series of posts.

The first bit that popped back onto my radar is the famous paragraph by Marianne Williamson from her book A Return To Love:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

When I read those words, I feel empowered, but I also vividly remember several moments in my life where someone or something attempted to get me to “play small.”

• When I was young, I used to talk all the time about things I was learning. I was eager to express myself and share my observations with anyone who would listen.   As I grew and started school, I was told that I talked too much.  I was told this by family and teachers often enough that I stopped speaking to strangers almost entirely. At family parties, my parents practically had to beg me to be social with the guests.   When I was a teenager, my parents would often complain that I “never talk[ed] to them about anything!”    Something in me that had so fervently wanted to reach out into the world had been silenced, and it was difficult to get that something back.

• In middle school, I grew very quickly and was soon one of the tallest people in my class.  I took to leaning on my hip when I spoke to people shorter than I was, so that they wouldn’t feel intimidated and I would feel more normal.  Partially as a result of that, I have had lower back problems for the last ten years.   This is the most physical proof I have that “shrinking so other people won’t feel insecure around you” is bad for my personal well-being.

• While working in a theatre program in college, I overheard some other girls in the department gossiping about me and complaining that I was cast in certain roles that they wanted.  They didn’t feel I deserved the roles, even though I had auditioned like everyone else.   I thought those girls were my friends and it hurt me deeply to overhear those things.   I questioned whether or not to ever do another show there.

• One night at a bar I regularly frequented, I was talking and laughing with several other people for a couple of hours.  Some of us were friends, but we welcomed strangers into our conversations.   At some point, a young man I had just met that night informed me that if I ever wanted to get and keep a man, I should refrain from coming across as so well-read and experienced, because guys don’t like to be made insecure by their girlfriends.  (In case you are curious, yes, this guy was single.)

I did not begin to experience real happiness until I finally stopped listening to suggestions like the ones above.   I had given up my personal power to people who did not have my best interests at heart (even if they thought they did) and as a result, my inner light dimmed.   Why did it take me so long to take that power back?  Why did I feel as though someone else had the power or ability to grant me something that was always my own?

The last year has been an incredible journey for me and I know I am only on the very first leg of it.   I was glad to rediscover this message because it reminds me how far I have come and how much more authentically myself I can be now.

Scroll up and re-read Marianne’s paragraph.  Now ask yourself why you have ever felt you needed permission from someone else to shine.